excerpts from my journal

i have been keeping a journal since i was 11 years old. daily, since i was about 13. i think i’m on my 26th book or something. i only have two with me at the moment, and forgot to number them. people ask what i write about. the answer is, anything. everything. it’s sorta stream of consciousness.

i never let anyone read my journals. not because they’re super secret and private – they are, at times – but because if i knew that people would read them, i would write differently. and i don’t want that. so if i am negligent enough to leave my diary underneath a tree, please be more considerate than the guys from bread.

i was flipping through my most recent journal and found it amusing. i don’t remember thinking a lot of the things i did, let alone remember writing them down. as a thank you in advance for not reading my journals without my permission, here are some sentences from my two most recent journals to give you a sneak peak into the craziness of my mind.

 

Writing seems more genuine without lined pages.

It would be so cool to make a Sim Beowulf!

Tomorrow will be my actual work day.

Siiiigh cake. I want to sit in a café and read.

I was in the same town as James Franco. I was about 15 feet away from Dan Radcliffe. Again. This weekend wasn’t bad.

And I return to the question. And I don’t think I want to answer. They’re both lovely boys.*

Why am I so lethargic? Well, I haven’t eaten anything. It could be that.

I’m now procrastinating on sleep.

Tomorrow’s Wednesday. Wednesday Zoop!

But hey. I wrote a song and it was swell.

This pen does not agree with this paper. Shame. I like this pen and I like this paper.

I don’t want to break the awesome with a slap of awkward.

I WISH THAT I HAD JESSIE’S GIRL. Not really. I don’t know any Jessies, or any with girls, let alone girls I wish I had. It’s a song.

 

*Peeta and Gale.

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on defying the terror and just sharing my songs already

there are parts of my childhood that are still completely me. not only me, but very very important to me. when i was little i would gather my friends together and put on plays. instead of playing on the playground i would climb on top of it. when i found a book i liked i would read it over and over and read everything about it over and over. i would sing songs and write songs and perform them for my friends.

well pretty much everything about that still applies to me except that i climb rocks instead of playgrounds. and, until very recently, i would write songs and not share them with anyone.

i was proud of the songs i wrote, songs that evolved over time, and i would sing them to myself and they would make me happy. it took years before i finally gave in and played one of my songs for my songwriting client (i am her agent) and amazing friend tori, who encouraged me to share them with more people. i didn’t take her advice for another couple of years.

after spending a month or so at home playing more guitar than ever i returned to uni and missed it. perhaps it was this deprivation that made me realize how important to me songwriting and performing really is. i finally got a hold of a guitar (thanks eternally, rory), and played a few of my songs for my friends.

i should clarify here that i did post some songs on youtube a couple of years ago. but they were silly, and while i was proud of them and their wittiness, i was still shying away from sharing anything remotely personal.

i grouped four of my songs together and called it this:

and the songs are these:

and i even posted my first actual single here:

i almost backed out a couple of times. things like

PEOPLE WON’T LIKE IT

PEOPLE WILL GUESS WHO THE SONGS ARE ABOUT

AND THEY’LL BE RIGHT

OR THEY’LL BE WRONG AND THINK THEY’RE RIGHT

I’M NOT ACTUALLY THAT GOOD AT GUITAR

MY LYRICS ARE WHINEY

THEY’RE ALL ABOUT LOVE AND THAT’S KINDA SAPPY

most of the insecurities had to do with other people’s reactions. and in the end, people’s reactions don’t matter that much because they’re my songs and i like them and they make me happy. but maybe they will make other people happy too. they can – but only if i share them.

and as for the content, i went all out and called it tales of unrequited ♥. so that’s what you should expect when you listen to it. the songs were written and rewritten over years to the extent that they aren’t really about anybody. they are about experiences and maybe about your experiences too – that’s why we write songs and share, or at least that’s why i decided i should.

so thank you for listening, if you have, or thanks for reading, which you are. thank you especially to my friends who encourage me to write and perform. this has been sorta a serious important-stuff post, so just to prove that i’m still silly, here’s an exclusive outtakes video just for you. it’s not going public on youtube for another week or so, but i thought i’d share it here first :)

some general advice from a college girl at uni

1. often, when a group is convening for the first time, the leader of said group thinks it would be a nice icebreaker to have everyone say a fun fact about his or herself. so it is useful to have some fun facts ready (i beatbox. i am attending a harry potter convention this summer. i have a blog and i’m posting on it right now).
 
1b. however – the others are probably too busy thinking of the most exciting-yet-modest things about themselves that they will not remember either your name or your fun fact. so no pressure.
 
2. after you’ve been at university for about a year, you will start to know so many people that it is nearly impossible to go somewhere without running into someone you know. especially if you’re a theatre girl who goes to see…plays. so the whole zoning out by yourself in public doesn’t really work. conversations will start with someone acknowledging your presence like a good friend would, and you sort of jump and apologize. smooth.
 
3. now if you’re an american studying in england, call it uni not college (or worse, school), revision not studying, cinema not movie theatre, and most importantly, trousers not pants.
 
3b. sometimes when i am confused i claim a cultural barrier. there might not always be one. but it works.
 
3c. if you’re from boston, bring a red sox cap and you will meet other bostonians and feel at home [even if you barely know when baseball season is].
 
4. scout out all the local cafés. find the best places for tea (again. england thing. extra credit for finding tea places in the states though) and the best atmospheres for doing work. if you’re crazy like me, make a long detailed assessment on a text edit document. find out where to get student discounts as well.
 
 
5. if you’re living in a dorm building or, as i am, a college, knock on people’s doors instead of texting them if you can. it promotes exercise. it promotes actual social interaction. it reduces the time you spend behind a tiny screen. it could possibly save you money. it’s always nice to have visitors.
 
6. don’t bring too many books. libraries are great for that kinda thing.
 
7. if you can cook, do. it’s cheap, healthy, and so much fun. i should clarify: by “can cook” i’m talking about facilities, not ability. you have to start somewhere, and it’s not that hard i promise.
 
8. bring games like bananagrams, not the sims 3 (my examples). bring your guitar. and let me play it since mine didn’t fit on the plane.
 
9. don’t commit to too much or you will explode.
 
9b. don’t forget to make time for stuff you love, like climbing things and drawing pictures.